I completely lost it after I hung up the phone with the telephone company. It was crazy, but I did. I kind of understood their security concerns, but it hit me hard. I have no idea why. She said that because I am not an authorized name on the account I could not go ahead with trying to get our phone working again.
"But I am Joseph's wife! I write the check every month!" I explained. Obviously they are willing to take my money, but they won't let me change anything with the account.
"Just call him and have him authorize you on the account," she said.
"But I am using my cell phone to talk to you. Our house phone is not working, that is why I am calling you. How am I supposed to call him with you on the line?"
"You can call us back, right?" she asked.
"Of course," I replied, suddenly feeling a bit upset.
"Sorry about this, but it is for security," she said as she hung up.
I think I cried because of the fact that I am not included on the phone account and have no control over that fact. It may have been because it caused me to think about the what if's such as, what if something happened to Joe and they would not let me use or change the phone account? Then again, it may not have been anything to do with the rejection, but the fact that I have had so much on my mind lately. Being 300 miles away from my family is hard because I cannot be there to help my mom out as she works so hard to keep up with my father and the cancer he is battling. With him in the hospital for a few weeks, she had to travel and hour back and forth every day to see him, and not being there to help her out was extremely hard. From hearing bad news to worse it took a toll on my heart and emotions. It may have been because I have to call to get updates or else I feel out of loop. But then again, it may be the fact that people have a way of hurting you and it surprises you so much that you do not know how to handle the rolling waves that come flooding over you. It may have been the fact that I assumed my last blog posted only to find that nothing was written on there and has been blank all this time. I had thought it was quite a good post too, but to find it completely clean, well, that was a shock!
I recently was reading about Hannah and how much she ached and longed for a little child. I got to the verse about Elkanah asking her, "Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons?"
So many times people, (women especially) get mad at how unkind and cold-hearted Elkanah seemed in the verse, but as I looked over it a little more, I saw something different that day. I saw a man who was deeply in love with his wife. I saw a man who tenderly cared for Hannah and did not want to see her so sad. I saw a man who desired to make her happy and fill that empty space that only children could fill, but he was willing to try. He was trying to show her love and care - so much more than ten sons could ever bring her.
Hannah must have felt better after he said that rose up after that comment and ate. She went to the temple and there gave her burden over to the Lord. God answered her prayer that day, and gave her that son she had wanted to so bad. In fact, she was willing to give up the very child that she was praying that God was going to give her. Maybe she discovered the blessing that her husband was better than ten sons. Maybe that was why she was willing to give him up. She must have looked for the blessings in her pain, and with eyes filled with tears she gave it over to the Lord.
And so as I look for blessings in my pain and struggles, I suddenly see some things that God has done for me: I see the blessing that I am home today with a snow day, and that I was able to make that call so I could see I needed to look for the blessings in my life. I see the blessing that Joe is home now and can make that call and add me to the phone account so I am not rejected any longer. I see the blessing that the news about my dad went from worse to better in a matter of days and the good news is that he gets to go home sooner than expected. I see the blessing that even with pain in my life, there are people who are willing to help me out and give me good, Godly advice that will help deal with my current struggles. I see the blessing that even though my last post was erased, it was what I needed the day I wrote it, and God used it to bless my spirit and get me through the tough ride home from Vermont. I knew I needed to ask the Lord to go with me, and He did. He has been by my side every second of the day, holding my hand, helping me through the struggles, still giving me blessings each day. I do not deserve it. I fail Him all the time. I fail in my daily life, forgetting to give things over to Him, forgetting to ask Him to help me, yet, He still loves me. He never gives up on me. May I always remember to look for the blessings in the dark part of my days, and rest in the fact that He knows me right down to the very hairs on my head. Thank You, Lord!