To Have and To Hold

     Life is a journey. 
     For each of us there are many different paths and twisting turns that we go down, but we all experience the same emotions along the way, as well as the same events, such as births, weddings, funerals, etc that make up our lives as humans. But it's what we learn along the way that is the most important thing, especially when we let God be our leader and comforter of all things earthly. We don't know the struggles that are around each bend, the humps in the road that will seem impossible to pass over, nor the stresses that are strewn across our paths at any given moment. But He does. And we just need to take His hand like in Isaiah 41:13, "For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee."
     Twenty-six years ago in May I began my journey of marriage with my husband Joe, where we vowed before an audience of about 85 people that we would love each other and be true to each other as long as we both should live. Having always lived with my family at home, life was going to be very different now because I was moving about 5 hours away, to another state where my husband had grown up and continued to live close to his family. I could not even begin to fathom what my family was feeling as they watched me excitedly move on as a married woman. My younger siblings were so young. My baby sister was only eleven at the time, and I had no idea how much I was going to miss as she and my three other younger siblings went through their teen years. 
     I had always dreamed of starting my own family, with lots of children to fill our house because that is what I was accustomed to. There had always been noise all around me and I wasn't used to the quiet and loneliness during the days when Joe was at work. But that only last a year. In July of 1999, we had our first baby boy and my time was now filled with learning how to deal with a newborn.
     It was hard at first. I always felt like our first child was our guinea pig (sorry JJ!) as we learned how to raise a family, by God's grace. We made our mistakes, but are the first to admit that now, that we were not and still are not perfect. 
     Then along came our second son. I quickly learned that going from one to two children was the hardest adjustment, especially when the second baby demanded so much time and energy. Yet, God was there with us and helped me through the struggles as a new mom. I wasn't so sure that having six was such a great idea anymore. Around that time I found I was pregnant again, but soon lost the baby when I was about six weeks along. I felt so guilty because I thought God was blaming me for not wanting another one so soon. I should have been rejoicing at the idea of new life, but I was tired and felt a bit worn down. 
     It was on Caleb's first birthday that I found out I was pregnant yet once again, and this time my attitude changed. I know some people love being pregnant, but I never did enjoy having a stranger's body for nine (almost ten) months, and couldn't wait to finally hold my baby in my arms. We didn't find out what we were having so the excitement to find out what we had was something that kept me going through the deliveries. 
     As a side note, our first child was born at the hospital, but all of the other children were born at home, two in the upstairs apartment of the house we rented, and two as waterbirths in the bedroom of our own home.
     Our third baby was due around December 23rd. I had invited my best friend Rachel to come help me out, including attending the home birth with the midwives.  Alaina decided she did not want to be born on time and that extra week of waiting was excruciating. I just wanted it to be over and done with. I wanted to know if I was going to have another boy or if this time I would be blessed with a little girl, like I had been wanting for years. 
     December 26th nothing happened, but that night I began to have some contractions. Joe and I prayed that night that it would be soon and that God would take care of all the details. It was then that the Lord gave me the verse I mentioned above, about how God was right there, holding my right hand, helping me and taking care of me. I have loved that verse ever since that day. 
     It was about 6:30 am when the baby finally made an extrance into the world. Joe held the little one in his arms and turned to me as I laid on the bed. 
     "Do you want to know what it is?" 
     I braced myself to hear the words, "It's another boy," as I said, "Yes, of course!" 
     "It's a little girl! We have a daughter!" He said as he laid her on my chest. 
     The tears flowed that morning. Exhausted from laboring all night, but thrilled to know that the Lord had given us a little girl, I couldn't help but thank Him for His blessings. 
     As I think back to that day when Joe held Alaina for the first time, I think of the title of this blog - to have and to hold.  I had the baby and he held her close. For 21 and 1/2 years we have been holding her close. Raising the family God gave us to the best of our ability - all five children (one more girl after Alaina, and then our youngest son, four years later).  We have had our ups and downs, our struggles with job losses, with finances, with strange illnesses and things that just didn't make sense at the time. But God was always there, holding our right hands as we looked to Him for help in each matter that came along our path. 
     And our journey as parents has taken us to another moment - the one that happened one week ago today. Our daughter Alaina's wedding. As Joe walked her down the aisle that beautiful, steamy Saturday afternoon, he held her close by his side. He stood by her as the question was asked, "Who gives this woman to be married?" 
     His answer was loud and strong. "Her mother and I do." 
     And then Joe gave up his role as the leader in our daughter's life and trustingly handed her over to the young man eagerly waiting to take her for his bride. It was the groom's turn to have and to hold Alaina. To embark on their own journey together as husband and wife, as I Joe and I did twenty-six years ago. 
     And it hurt. 
     It still hurts. Oh, I pleaded with the Lord to help me that day. To be strong for her and rejoice with her because she was so happy. I am happy for her and her groom. We believe God matched them up perfectly. We have gained a son, but there is a sense of loss. Not in the sense of never seeing her again. In fact, they are only going to live about ten minutes away from us. No, it's a sense of loss as to what once was. I feel it in every day life. Like at dinner when I am preparing two dinner plates for the working girls, and realize I only need to make one now. 
     Or when we close the door at the end of the night instead of keeping it open for the last one to come in after being out late getting things ready at her new apartment. 
     Or having her come into our room and chatting with me on the bed while Joe finishes getting ready for bed....
     It's  part of life that we will never get back. Though every phase of raising children was not always fun, they had their good moments and I learned to like something about each. And I know this new phase is going to have lots of good moments and I look forward to seeing what God will do in their lives, as well as ours as we adjust to our new normal. 
     Because it isn't us that have and hold forever....our children are just on loan to us for a time. It is the Lord's job to have and to hold forever and ever. He lovingly holds their right hands in His own and we can rest assured that He will take them on their journey that He designed so beautifully for them. 
      Amen. 
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